‘Gentle parenting’

With Bodhi fast approaching 2 we are seeing our fair share of meltdowns, hearing a lot of ‘no’ and trying our best to understand his sudden very particular demands! My once chilled, agreeable and content little boy now has a mind and will of his own and isn’t afraid to make a noise about it if things aren’t going exactly his way! Yet he’s never been more affectionate, charming or at times helpful and cooperative. He’s a little Jekyll and Hyde and it is frustrating, exhausting and filling me with fear as we’re only just entering ‘the terrible twos’!

I have a vision for how I’m going to handle Bodhi’s testing behaviour but it’s easier said than done. I have already found myself saying ‘no’ a lot, raising my voice, losing my patience and just feeling like giving in to him and whatever he wants. I’ve also thought about how unreasonable he is and how I’ve resented him for having a public meltdown or felt at that I must be doing something wrong for him to feel like he has to act out. What I need to remember though is that Bodhi acting like this is totally normal and important for his development and he needs me to help him handle his emotions and and understand them.

I’ve been reading ‘No bad kids’ by Janet Lansbury; a child and parent educator. She’s promotes gentle/mindful/RIE parenting and most of what she talks about when it comes to children and understanding their behaviour and emotions makes so much sense to me and is definitely influencing the way I view and react to Bodhi and his needs. I’m taking elements of this gentle parenting approach and that doesn’t mean Bodhi won’t be told off or will be unruly I just see how a calmer, considered approach could lead to a happier household. I think a lot of parents go down to route of introducing ‘time out’ or a naughty step, a rewards chart or they may result in shouting and punishing in a bid to sort the behaviour out. What some of these tactics do is allow temporary wins but the same behaviour will repeat itself or can result in the child feeling shamed and unloved. For me when it comes to parenting I want to raise children that grow into confident, balanced, happy, considerate individuals that understand their emotions and how to process them. Through what I’ve read the best way to help little ones with this is to treat them with respect, help them identify their emotions, be there to confort them through whatever emotional breakdown they’re going through and communicate honestly and with integrity. If I have to say no i explain why, if bodhi is angry/sad I label that emotion for him and tell him i understand, i aim to follow through on anything I’ve said, if he starts to have a meltdown I’ll try and just let him go through the motions of it. That’s definitely a tricky one because I’m so conscious of other people and what they think of me and having the spotlight on me, my crying child and my parenting is not something I find comfortable in public. I’m starting to work on this though and be less bothered by other people’s opinions and instead just focus on what’s right for Bodhi and what’s going to help him.

As adults we allow ourselves the time and space to have a good cry if we need it, we’d feel pretty disrespected if people kept trying to distract us away from whatever we wanted to feel at the time and we are also hopefully honest and communicate with each other rather than just shouting if somebody does something ‘wrong’. I try and bring this to the forefront of my mind now rather than just reacting with my own emotions. A quote which really backs this up for me is ‘when little people are experiencing big emotions it is our job to share our calm rather than join in on the chaos.’ Shouting and showing stress only fuels the chaos because it tells Bodhi that I am out of control too and that might make him feel less secure and he’ll continue to act out or be scared into obedience. I don’t want Bodhi to think that it’s effective to shout at others to control them and make them feel bad or guilty for having certain feelings. I also hope that giving Bodhi the space and acceptance means that he’ll trust me and feel safe to fully be himself with me which can only be a great foundation to our relationship over the years.

Usually bad behaviour is a cry for help and there’s an underlying reason for it. With Bodhi I know he’ll be harder work if he hasn’t had a nap or if he hasn’t eaten. Sometimes even if all of his needs are met and he’s still pushing my buttons he might just actually need a cuddle or some quiet time or a change of scenery. Most often the naughty kids at school were the ones that were secretly most scared, unsure and lacking in self esteem/confidence. Bad behaviour at this age is also a perfectly normal way for Bodhi to experiment with boundaries. Children actually want boundaries and rules; they need them to feel safe but they also like to see how far they can push them to test us and how in control we are. The ultimate aim in setting our expectations of Bodhis behaviour through a respectful, considerate and patient approach is that he’ll still know what’s expected of him but rather than be scared or threatened into behaving well he’ll just do it! That’s the aim anyway!

There are other things I’m starting to be more mindful of as a parent after reading some other articles and research from child educators. I’m trying to limit how I phrase what is essentially ‘No’. Saying it too often means it will become redundant and Bodhi will tune out of when no means no so I try to say ‘I can’t let you climb up there it’s dangerous’ instead of just ‘no, get down’. What Bodhi hears a lot of will become his inner voice so I don’t want to follow him around all day saying ‘you can’t/no’ and instead pick my moments when those words or phrases really do need to stand out and be taken notice of. I’m trying to be more aware of how I talk about him in front of him to others too. If I go around saying ‘he’s shy/he’s naughty/he’s hard work’ he will come to believe those things of himself and probably do more to fall in line with those labels. On the lines of respect I try and give Bodhi some autonomy and choice in his life. Toddlers become so defiant and uncooperative especially when it’s time to get ready or leave the house so I like to give Bodhi little opportunities to have a little bit of say in the hope that he’ll cooperate better and not feel the need to go against everything to test the boundary. It’s usually just letting him decide what coat or hat to wear or what cereal or what cup he wants. As is the case with most philosophies and opinions not everything is going to resonate and work for you but you can pick out the parts that do. Everyone has their own vision for the type of parent they are or who they want to be and different approaches work for different families. I’m not completely rigid and narrow minded to other approaches and know that certain situations will call for different actions. I know adding a newborn into the mix is going to throw up a lot of challenges and truly test my patience in this parenting style! The thing with all aspects of parenting is being flexible but being okay with your decisions and what works for you. There is no such thing as a perfect parent and it’s okay to give yourself a break, have bad days and try again. That’s why I like reading what I can because I do believe knowledge is power and having some resources to refer to and back me up help when most of the time I feel like I’m absolutely winging it as a mum. I just want to do the best that I can to raise wonderful boys that can grow up in this world as strong, kind, bright individuals that I have solid, meaningful, honest relationships with.