Lockdown life

I’m writing this during the peak of the global Covid 19 pandemic. That sentence alone sounds like it comes from some sort of sci fi novel and is definitely not a reality I thought I’d find myself in!

It’s such a surreal, unknown and worrying time and when it all began I actually felt for the first time that I regretted having children. For their sake. I felt guilty for bringing them into a world where this is their reality. Okay it might be short lived but it might be ongoing or recurring and I worry for them and their future.

We’ve been in lockdown for over a month now, we actually locked down a week before it was made official by the government as we all had symptoms of the dreaded Coronavirus. As with all phases and experiences of parenting I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions, some days loving our new lifestyle which has been forced upon us and other times completely miserable about the monotony of our new reality.

The boys are young, too young to understand what any of this means which is definitely something I’m glad about. They probably won’t remember anything about it and hopefully it shouldn’t negatively impact them too much in terms of their learning/development. But who knows? Maybe they’re at a really sensitive age and this will slow them down. I worry about Bodhi…he had got used to his own independence at nursery and was flourishing there. Will he lose his confidence? Will he regress? Is he getting enough stimulation, attention and social skills from me alone? I see other mums doing structured activities and amazing arts and crafts with kids of similar ages and feel so frustrated that all that effort would just be lost on Bodhi. He does not have the patience or interest with anything crafty, it’s just not his thing. His thing is watching tv and eating snacks! I still attempt creative things with him but some days we get by on a lot of films. He does love being outside so I cannot believe how lucky we’ve been to have this amazing weather and also how thankful I am to have a garden. We have no routine to our day other than meal times and going out for a walk after lunch. Bodhi seems to be pretty happy, I’ve asked him if he misses nursery and he says no. I daren’t ask if he misses certain other things we usually do as it could start him questioning things which as yet he hasn’t done. He’s started to ask to go to the zoo, and he’s asked about going to the beach and wanting to come with me to the shop and we have had tears when walking past the park but he hasn’t dwelled on it for long. We’ve FaceTimed family and we had some doorstep visitors when it was Rubens birthday so he has seen some people and he loves to chat over the fence to our neighbours. I have noticed Bodhi has suddenly started using his imagination with play a lot more which is so sweet. We’ve had a pet cat, we’ve been jumping on volcanos, we’ve had a ton of picnics and I overhear him acting out scenarios with all of his animals and paw patrols.

I think this time together has done wonders for the boys’ blossoming brotherhood, it’s lovely that they have each other for company and they definitely occupy and entertain each other. However it’s also hard work having the two of them. There is no opportunity for one on one time with either of them and that’s getting to me. They are both at very demanding ages and it’s exhausting. A lot of activities which would be great for Bodhi now aren’t safe for Ruben to join in with and Ruben wants to be in amongst whatever it is that Bodhi is doing. I get exasperated that I can’t commit myself fully to a task with one of them without the other one needing something and interrupting things. I know that sounds mean but I feel like neither of them are getting the best of me.

This lockdown has fallen during my last months of maternity leave so I haven’t really felt a significant change in my day to day. Of course we are not able to go to our baby groups, or run errands or see friends and family but it’s not like I’ve never stayed at home with them all day before. I had lots of exciting things lined up for my last months of Mat leave including a 10 day holiday to Cyprus, celebrating all of our birthdays and having parties and outings to mark the occasions. Whilst I’m gutted none of these things can happen I’m also glad I’ve been on Mat leave for the fact it’s been easy to manage. I’m due back to work soon and if we’re still in lockdown somehow jack and I are going to have to find a way to both work whilst also making sure the boys are looked after and that’s going to be hard on all of us. I know there are parents already in this boat and we’re not the only ones figuring this out.

Jack has been loving lockdown life. He’s usually spinning about 10 plates and rushing around here there and everywhere. He has a niggling need to be productive all of the time so this enforced quarantine has slowed him down and taken a lot of daily stress off his shoulders. He’s still working but it can mostly be done from home. He tucks himself upstairs away from the noise and chaos and appears for cups of tea and lunch. We’ve managed to organise a lot of our spaces at home, get through lots of tasks that kept being put off and we seem to be leading a healthier lifestyle. This is probably the longest we’ve gone without a takeaway in the whole 12 years we’ve known each other! We’re shopping more practically and eating better for it plus our daily exercise and all the vitamin d from the sunshine is doing us so much good.

Jack and I quite often find ourselves daydreaming about lockdown life without kids. Imagining how immaculate our house would be, binging on box sets, sleeping, reading, sun bathing…it sounds like heaven and a far cry from our chaotic, loud, messy, sleep deprived house hold. People without kids must be feeling pretty smug about it all I bet. However the mini dictators keep things interesting for us and having this time all together is something to cherish I know.

I miss our family and friends. I miss our outings to the zoo, the farm, the park, the cafe. I miss picking Bodhi up from nursery and hearing all about his day. I hope the boys are happy. I hope they will be okay after all of this. I hope our earth is restoring itself a little with this break. I wish this pandemic never happened and I wish it to be over soon but I appreciate how it has provided the opportunity to evaluate life as we know it.

The uncertainty of what’s ahead of us as a country is daunting but something I choose not to dwell on because nobody has any answers or predictions. I don’t watch the news very often anymore. For every downside of my personal situation there are far more positives to be grateful for. Not every day is a good day but I know that everyone else is also just finding their way through this so that’s somewhat a weird reassurance.

Breastfeeding journey with Ruben

We are almost 10 months into breastfeeding with no signs of stopping any time soon.

At the start 10 days felt like a massive achievement and my goal of 6 weeks felt momentous, then when we hit 6 months I was super proud and prepared to stop but Ruben wasn’t and he still isn’t. I have no idea how long we’ll keep going for?! Some days I wish I’d given it up a lot sooner because of the frequent night wakes and because he’s never really content unless he’s being held by me. I don’t know if this is down to him being breastfed or if that’s just who he is! On the days I feel frustrated by it I remind myself how far I and we have come and I know that I’m doing my best for him. I’m not saying that breastfeeding is best because actually a mothers mental health comes first and in that case fed is best no matter how it’s delivered!

I’ve discussed it before in previous posts but just to give some background to my experience with breastfeeding I’ll remind you how tough I found breastfeeding with Bodhi. I struggled through 6 weeks before calling it quits with a sigh of major relief. Despite my struggles I still wanted to try and breastfeed Ruben and set myself a target to hit at least 6 weeks with him too. Through the challenges I faced with Bodhi I learnt a lot which I knew to be on the lookout for with Ruben, the first one being tongue tie. Sure enough Ruben had one and it was snipped when he was 3 days old because of my request. Bodhi’s tongue tie went undiagnosed until we were 3 weeks in, by which point damage was done and habits seemed to have formed because despite it being snipped every feed filled me with anxiety due to the pain. Another big thing I learned is that breastfeeding is not the easy, dreamy, natural vision that is often presented to us. At the start the reality is it’s uncomfortable, difficult and frustrating. It really is a skill to master, in my case anyway. When I tried with Bodhi I couldn’t understand where I was going wrong and why I was finding it so hard when it seemed everyone else could just get on with it with no major issues?! With Ruben I really prepared myself mentally for it being hard which was a much better place to start. I joined lots of breastfeeding groups on Facebook and went to a couple of breastfeeding support groups and I discovered there are so many mums that find it tough and need a ton of support and advice. Despite being in a better headspace this time and feeling like I was much more clued up I still found it very painful and the latch caused issues. I posted about my struggle and somebody came forward with the suggestion of buying some Silverette silver cups. I thought I’d tried everything but I had never come across these £40 silver cups that you pop on in between feeds. Feeling desperate I just bought them and within 72 hours I was completely healed. I was amazed and so grateful and kept wearing those silver cups for the next 3 months. I swear they saved my breastfeeding journey and at my target date of 6 weeks breastfeeding was pain free and getting easier every day.

I kept setting myself small goals, 8 weeks, 12 weeks, 4 months and then I figured I’d just make it to 6 months. At just over 6 months after doing almost every feed at every hour with Ruben I introduced a bottle of formula. Jack had given Ruben a bottle of expressed milk a handful of times but I didn’t see the point as I still had to express for missing a feed and so it didn’t really give me a break. By 6 months though jack wanted to start doing Rubens bedtime and do more with him and I wanted that too. Unfortunately Ruben is not a fan of the bottle and either refuses it or takes 1-2oz before pushing it away. We have persevered and we have tried about 5 different brands and teats and have tried it in a cup but he is just not a fan. I have still been able to leave him overnight as he’s just offered milk and water often and will just take a little bit at a time. It’s really different to our experience with Bodhi as he loved his bottle and would drain 7oz at every feed! We’re now at an age where Ruben doesn’t need as much milk and he gets by fine on water and food if I’m not around but will make up for it when I’m back.

I’ve wanted to stop breastfeeding so many times, mainly for my own selfish reasons; wanting more sleep, wanting to be able to wear whatever I want, wanting to go out without him. I then remember how short lived this time with a baby is, i have a year off of work for the purpose of being there for him so his needs outweigh mine really!

Now that I’ve had experience of bottle feeding and breast feeding a baby I can see the pros and cons to both. Breastfeeding is tough because it’s all down to me but it’s quicker than bottle feeding and that’s been so handy whilst also having Bodhi. It’s also been better for in the night, when I was bottle feeding Bodhi those night feeds would have me up an hour at a time with making a bottle, feeding and winding. With Ruben it’s 10 minutes! Then there is so much time saved from washing and preparing bottles and not to mention the money saved on formula. What I loved about bottle feeding though was the routine. We could really plan our day around feeds and I was able to establish a good nap routine around this and I’m sure Bodhi was a much easier and more content baby because of this. Ruben is still fed on demand and demanding he is! We’ve got a feed to sleep association which is probably the reason he still has me up 4 times a night with him only really settling back after being fed.

As we approach 12 months I do want to sort out Rubens sleeping habits and I think weaning off of breastfeeding is going to play a big part in that. I don’t mind getting to 12 months of breastfeeding and will be really happy if we do get there but it’s not a goal and I’m not interested in continuing into toddlerhood although I have found with Ruben has dictated everything so far. I can understand how mums do continue breastfeeding past 12 months and I honestly no longer judge them for it! I used to think ‘oh that’s a bit weird!’ but my perspective has changed now that I’m a breastfeeding mum. Being a mum to two young children is exhausting and honestly I do continue to breastfeed because it saves us all a lot of distress. I’ve attempted to withhold feeding him and just offer bottle or have jack take over but it causes so much stress it just feels so much kinder and easier to just keep up with the breastfeeding.

I honestly never thought I’d get this far and I am so grateful that we have. I wouldn’t have done it without the support of Jack and my other close family and friends. They’ve all been so encouraging and understanding. Sadly I know from hearing others experiences that lot of people are still very opinionated on breastfeeding and make you feel awkward or as if you’re doing something wrong or that your baby is a certain way because of being breastfed which ruins a lot of peoples journey. I know that breastfeeding doesn’t work for everyone or every situation and I’m not exactly one to preach that breastfeeding should be the only option because having tried it and failed I know how tough that is. If you’re planning on breastfeeding after a previous failed attempt or if you’re in the early days and struggling trust me if I can do it you can!

The best advice i was given which I can pass on is to set small goals and take each day as it comes. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and advice at support groups online and in person, that helped me not feel like I was failing and there was always somebody in a much worse situation or state that was continuing to breastfeed which was really inspiring. Also hold on to the vision of it being easy and natural because you will get there. I never believed it but by around 10 weeks I was totally at ease with it and being able to go out anywhere and everywhere and for however long without having to think about how and when to prep bottles has been amazing! I’m definitely a discreet feeder and I do feel self conscious but I’ve never had a negative comment or look from anyone and I’ve fed Ruben everywhere from the beach, at the zoo, countless cafes and car parks, in waiting rooms and on an aeroplane.

If I could plan out how I’d like our breastfeeding journey to end I think it’d be easier on us all if Ruben just weaned himself and I’m hopeful that when he starts going to nursery in the summer it’ll be then!

Six months in.

The last time I blogged was an update on my life six weeks in as a mum of two. It’s now six months!

Powering through is a phrase that most definitely sums up how Jack and I are doing! Powering through suggests we’re going to reach an easier time, whether that’s true I don’t know, from my experience of motherhood so far it doesn’t get easier you just get tougher! When we made the decision to have children close together it was because we were in the trenches of full on, exhaustive, relentless parenting and we didn’t want to get out to have to get back in again so thought we’d stay put. I definitely believe we have given ourselves a harder time because of this but another reason was because we liked the idea of them growing up close in age. Already I can see the bond between them; how Bodhi is a protective and proud big brother and how Ruben looks up to Bodhi and finds him more entertaining than anything else. They are both comforted by each other too and love a cuddle, the month we spent away in Spain together did wonders for their relationship. It’s these moments that make me really glad that we just went for it and I only hope they are grateful for it too in the future. So when people ask me if it’s hard having two and also having them quite close it’s tricky because now it’s all I know and I think/hope we are through the hardest part. I can absolutely say I found it so much tougher going from none to one than one to two. There are days when it is really hard but that’s just life and I’m sure that’s the case no matter how many children you have and no matter what the age gaps.

It’s true when they say that the youngest will just slot in and also that you will love them just as much as your first. When I was pregnant I couldn’t imagine my heart could find room to love another as much as Bodhi but by some miracle it has. Ruben I have to say is a little sweetheart, he just has this sweet, gentle, loving nature and he has really given me the dreamy newborn mum journey which I thought was a con when I had Bodhi. It’s probably down to a bit of experience, plus me cherishing it more as he’s my last baby and knowing how quick it goes. I’m also just letting Ruben be a baby and in no hurry to wish it or him away. He doesn’t sleep well and has me up at least 3 times a night but I’m trying not to get in such a tizz about it like I did with Bodhi. As I’ve said before comparison is the thief of joy and I feel a bit gutted that I got too caught up in that as a first time mum with Bodhi so there’s no room for it this time.

Bodhi as a 2 and a half year old is, as the parenting books suggest, complex. We seem to go through fortnightly rotations of his angel/devil persona. At the moment it’s clear he is just tolerating me when Jacks not around because as soon as daddy is an option Bodhi will not have me do anything with or for him. He goes through these phases and I know just to wait my turn because I will be the favourite again, soon I hope! I worry it might have something to do with the fact that Bodhi sees me do everything for Ruben and so perhaps he thinks I’m not there for him anymore?

To be fair to Bodhi a lot has been thrown at him in the last six months; the arrival of Ruben, turning 2, moving class in nursery, moving bedroom and into a big bed, and finally ditching the dummy. He has grown up so much and even though he can be annoyingly whingey and frustratingly defiant I am really proud of him and the bright, lovely little character he is.

I think it’s fair to say Jack and I are absolutely stretched thin at the moment. We make a great team and I couldn’t choose a better person to be doing this with but it’s stressful and we can be petty and bicker over who is more tired or stressed. We are so in need of some time together without the stresses and strains of kids, work and house stuff. I think in the last 6 months the only time we’ve had ‘off’ was a 10 minute dip in the sea on holiday. But the kids were still there. We need to really have some space and a change of scenery together. But as much as I recognise we need it and want it it’s tricky when you have two, it’s a bit more of a burden to place on somebody else and more of a worry for me too. There are no days off as a parent. But that’s parenting and it’s what we chose so I just knuckle down, grit my teeth and silently simmer with envy at those that can afford or have the luxury of extra help. I’m really selling the idea of parenting aren’t I…haha!

I’ve made it to six months of exclusively breastfeeding Ruben. That once seemed such an unrealistic goal to achieve and I had my doubts all the way through if id get there but I am so proud that I have! After all the effort it can take some mums to get to a point where breastfeeding becomes easy I can definitely understand how a lot of mums continue breastfeeding a year and beyond. I’ve hit my goal of six months and had it in my mind that I’d be ready to get the formula out and get him fully off the boob as soon as he turned six months but truthfully I think we’ll take a slow and steady transition on to bottles. All of that said I am craving a bit of freedom and me time. Breastfeeding Ruben has meant that I’ve been a complete hermit after 5pm. I’ve been out once for 2 hours without him but that was cut short after he wouldn’t settle without me. Other than that my freedom is when I pop out alone to the local shop or takeaway and I make sure I stroll and take ages choosing what I want! I am also desperate to dedicate some uninterrupted time to Bodhi where it’s just the two of us every now and then and I know Jack feels the same about doing it with Ruben.

Sometimes I still can’t believe that I’m a mum of two boys. I never imagined I’d have boys! They are my life though and I don’t know what I’d be doing if I didn’t have them. Sure I’d be sleeping more, my house would potentially stay clean and tidy for longer than a couple of hours and I know I’d be travelling more but in between that I think I’d be feeling a little lost. Having them keeps things fairly simple really, perhaps mundane but meaningful. Looking ahead to the next six months fills me with excitement because I know how much Rubens character will start to blossom, when I look back at videos of Bodhi at 8,9,10 months it’s hilarious because his mannerisms are just the same as he is today! I’m worried about the upcoming winter because that is when we were hit with a barrage of illnesses when Bodhi was a baby and he hasn’t reacted well to colder weather since. These boys are summer babies and I swear they’re like me and thrive in the sunshine!

We’re halfway through my maternity leave now so every day is a day closer to returning to work and it’s just dawned on me how quickly time passes by. Although irritating when you hear it constantly it really is worth the constant reminder to ‘enjoy them because it goes so fast’.

Mum of 2

6 weeks into being a mum to two! To be fair I haven’t exactly been flying solo for the past 6 weeks as Jack has had most of that time off of work; a mix of paternity and annual leave plus 4 bank holidays. I’m so grateful and know how lucky I am to have had his support when I’ve needed it most. Its been a busy time as expected; adjusting to a family of 4 as well as celebrating Bodhi’s 2nd birthday and also mine and jacks birthdays.

Everyone is curious to find out how Bodhi is doing with the new arrival. Initially it was smooth sailing and Bodhi was besotted with his little brother, wanting to hold him and be near him but the novelty has now worn off. It’s probably a mixture of adjusting to the changes as well as entering the ‘terrible twos’ but since turning 2 it’s as if somebody has replaced my sweet, calm, joyful Bodhi with an emotionally unstable, spoilt, boisterous devil. I knew a 23 month age gap was going to be a challenge and that 2 is a testing age I just don’t think I was quite prepared for frustrating it would be. I know it’s all part of his development and is totally normal behaviour. At the moment I am just giving into his every demand for an easy life whilst I still have a very needy newborn. Bodhi’s content to eat snacks and watch films all day so whilst it’s great that he’s occupied I feel sick at how much screen time he’s having! He’s still going to nursery for 3 (soon to be 2) days a week so I know I can’t really complain that my life is hard! He needs nursery; the interaction with other children, the messy play, the structure and it’s good for me as I have time to focus on Ruben without feeling distracted or guilty, I can stay on top of housework too and to be quite honest I think Bodhi is probably happier at nursery! We do make an effort to give him choices and involve him with Ruben and dedicate lots of time doing things Bodhi enjoys. I’m hoping his emotions will settle soon and he’ll start to understand better and cooperate more but I know that’s probably naive to think that it’s going to get easier any time soon.

Despite having a rough experience breastfeeding Bodhi I wanted to try breastfeeding again. My goal was to get to 6 weeks as that’s how far I got with Bodhi albeit majority of that came through expressing and formula top ups. So today is a celebration for me as I have been exclusively breastfeeding Ruben for 6 weeks. I can’t quite believe it and at the start I couldn’t see myself getting here as found it so painful and relentless. I seem to have easy pregnancies, smooth labours and quick postpartum recovery but I go through hell with breastfeeding! I was more prepared this time around so I knew it was going to be hard and would hurt but I’ve just kept going in the hope it would get easier, every feed was a step closer to my goal. I think Silvercups saved my breastfeeding journey! 1 week in i was struggling and somebody recommended them to help heal sore/cracked nipples and I was willing to invest in anything that could help so forked out £40 for the things and have been wearing them 24/7 ever since. I’m too scared to not use them now in fear the pain will come back but they are a bit annoying. To be honest the faff of them plus breast pads and limited clothing options and all the leaking does make me feel like quitting every day but then I think how annoying sterilising and making up bottles is, especially in the night so I just keep going. I will probably look to express soon so that jack can do a feed every now and then and to prepare me/Ruben if ever I do want to leave him with somebody else for a few hours but im actually reluctant to introduce a bottle or formula just yet whilst Ruben seems so content on my milk.

Having a newborn is a very different experience for me this time around. I’m trying to go with it and soak it all up because the newborn phase is fleeting and precious and actually probably the easiest stage in many ways! Ruben wakes every 2 hours in the night for a feed yet I’m not bothered by it as I know it’s not forever and I think my body is just used to disrupted sleep now. When Bodhi was a newborn I was so nervous going anywhere with him in case he’d need to be fed or cry! With Ruben I’ve fed him on a bench at the zoo, in the car in numerous car parks and in a handful of cafes. Ruben is just slotting in with our life and what we want to do right now before we’re restricted by a routine. It’s Bodhi that I’m more nervous to take out now!

The hardest thing about being a mum to two is wanting to be there for them both in equal measure often at the same time. It just isn’t possible. I feel so much guilt when Bodhi takes me by the hand asking to do something and I tell him I can’t because I’m feeding or settling Ruben. When Ruben naps I jump at the opportunity to smother Bodhi with my love and attention but often he’s not ready to receive it and will want a cuddle when I can’t. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to love another as much as my first but already I have so much love for Ruben and know how much better and stronger it’s going to get as he and his personality grow. I look forward to when Ruben can do a bit more and Bodhi will get more from him too then and hope that they will have a lovely bond.

Birth story: Ruben

Throughout my pregnancy with Ruben the thing that consumed and stressed me most was thinking about when/where I’d go into labour. With Bodhi it really didn’t matter when he decided to come, I had no other commitments to sort out. This time I had to factor in who could have Bodhi when the time came for me to have the baby. I strongly considered having a home birth due to the fact I wouldn’t have to worry so much about child care for Bodhi but also because I so desperately wanted to have another water birth. My water birth with Bodhi was so lovely and labour was so much more manageable submerged in warm water. I was given the ok to have a home birth but ultimately decided against it because of the fees involved in hiring/buying a pool (£130 non returnable whether you use it or not) and because of the potential to transfer to hospital if I were to haemorrhage again.

Jack and I attended hypnobirthing classes when I was pregnant with Bodhi and what I learnt in those classes led me to enjoy a smooth labour and natural birth with just cocodomol for pain relief. I wanted to give this baby the same calm entrance into the world and enjoy another straight forward labour and birth. I looked back over notes I had from the classes and from about 7 months pregnant started going to bed listening to the affirmation tracks also learnt through hypnobirthing. In addition to this I attended a weekly pregnancy yoga class from 17 weeks pregnant which was a lovely way to keep me mobile, alleviate some aches & pains and connect with my baby and learn some tips and tricks for labour.

As my due date approached I started experiencing a lot of signs that my body was ready and every day kept wondering is this it?! I woke up on my due date with very mild contractions that were 15-20 minutes apart, they went on all day. It was very much like how my labour started with Bodhi, I expected another day of this but also I knew people had said it’s a lot quicker second time around so was a bit on edge. Things didn’t change until that evening. Jack had gone to bed but I couldn’t sleep through the contractions; they’d started to creep a little bit closer together and were strong enough to keep me from sleeping so I stayed up bouncing on my ball and watching tv. By 1am I needed to change things up and decided to have a shower which is where I ended up staying for an hour. I knew the contractions were intensifying but the water provided relief and distraction. By the time I got out around 2am I was so tired and decided to try and rest in our spare room. By this point the birth breathing that I had practiced at my pregnancy yoga classes was really coming into use to help me breathe through each contraction. Certain postures that id learnt in yoga were also helping me through; hip rotations on all fours and adapted downward dog were all featuring! Contractions were still about 6-8 minutes apart at this point. As it neared 3am I woke Jack up feeling like I’d hit a wall and in need of some company and support. From here is when things sped up; I suddenly had 3 contractions all lasting almost 2 minutes and only about 3 minutes apart. We called the hospital and I had a further 2 contractions on the phone and they advised us to make our way in. We called jacks parents to come to watch Bodhi, they were with us in 15 minutes which was just as well as the contractions continued to come thick and fast. The 15 minute drive to hospital was hellish but we arrived at 4am and were met by 2 midwives at the start of a seemingly never ending corridor. As we walked the length of the corridor i had to keep stopping to breathe through more contractions. I had no idea how far along I was but kept telling myself that I might not be that far along; I just didn’t want to get my hopes up in case I still had a way to go. When we finally reached the birthing room the midwives did some standard checks on heart rate and blood pressure and also put in a canula just as a precaution in case I were to lose blood like last time. They were aware that I wanted a water birth as we’d let them know on the phone so they had it ready and said I could get in. They did offer to check how far dilated I was but I declined to know as didn’t want to feel deflated if it still had a lot more work to do. I got into the birth pool at 4:30am and the relief was instant, warm and weightless I was able to move around and settled on all fours. Before I knew it my body had decided it was time to start pushing. Hypnobirthing teaches you that your body knows how to give birth and to trust it to do what it needs to; you don’t need to be told when to push your body will do it for you and that’s been so true in both of my labours, something just changes and my breathing changed and that’s how Jack and the midwives knew that i was at that stage. I was surprised that I was at the pushing stage so soon but just went with it. The midwives were encouraging and jack reigned me in when I had a moment of panic at the crowning stage. You’re told small little pushes and I knew to follow that advice so as not to do some serious tearing but the whole sensation is so uncomfortable I just wanted it over as soon as possible. Jack calmed me down so I paid attention to my breathing and before I knew it the baby was out and being passed through my legs under the water for me to reach down and pull up on to my chest for that first cuddle. Oh the relief!! Relief that he was here and fine, relief that labour was over and relief that I’d never have to go through that again! Despite not having any pain relief and preaching that it’s all in the breathing labour is still hard and uncomfortable and an intensity like nothing else. I can completely understand why women opt for drugs to help them through labour and don’t judge them for it!

I enjoyed cuddles with Ruben in the water for 10 minutes and then got out to deliver the placenta. This time I’d agreed to have the injection to encourage the placenta to come because with Bodhi I’d left it to nature and ended up losing a lot of blood because of it. The midwives had to empty my bladder with a catheter and did have to encourage my uterus to contract but it did and placenta was out smoothly. No stitches required (wahoo!) so we were left to enjoy tea, toast, cuddles and share the news with our families.

Ruben Ellis Britton arrived on 18th April at 5:02am weighing 7lb 12oz.

We were moved to our own private room at the hospital where we stayed for the day before we were allowed to head home at 3pm with our 10 hour old baby boy.

I feel very lucky that I have had 2 births go exactly to plan and that I haven’t experienced any stress or complications. I think preparation and knowledge is key which is why I am such an advocate for hyonobirthing. I would encourage any pregnant woman to explore it to gain a better understanding of how the body gives birth and how you can help yourself mentally and physically prepare for and endure labour and face it without dread or fear and instead with excitement and focus. I appreciate some women won’t give labour much thought and are happy to have intervention and take all the drugs available. Personally I didn’t want that experience and didn’t want to feel out of control or set myself up for potential complications which is why I went down the hypnobirthing route. All of that said it doesn’t matter how you welcome your baby into the world it will be special and unique and something you will never forget.

A letter to myself pre-motherhood

When you think you feel ready to have a baby give yourself another year before you start trying. You’re the sort of couple that find satisfaction in ticking off tasks, in seeing new places and in doing things your own way. Having a child will hinder your ability to do these things and you’ll find that frustrating and sometimes resent that you didn’t do more before having a baby. But if you wait that’s another year of your life without them. Them; the light of your life, the only thing that can make your heart burst and ache with every emotion. You will forever struggle to articulate the feelings you feel and the love you have for your child. You will see your previous self as a shell of a person, empty and basing success and purpose and joy on things that will bear no significance compared to what you go through as a mother. Nothing will ever be as important or conjure up as many emotions.

Unlike some mums you will not want being a mum to define you, you want to have other things to talk about yet you’ll find that actually nothing will consume or interest you more than conversations about parenting and babies. Somebody saying you’re a good mum will be the most meaningful compliment you could ever get. All those years spent questioning who you are and what your purpose is in life will be put to rest. Being a mum will occupy your time and push everything else to the wayside. The most important thing to you will be your children’s happiness and that they grow up to be wonderful individuals and you’ll feel pretty content in just fulfilling that goal, aware that it will be something you work on all your life. Having said that you’ll still be envious of mums that seem to do it all; be great mums and achieve or stand for other purposes. You will question if you are a good mum; you’ll put in hours and hours of research but find you’re still winging it. You’ll contradict yourself a lot. You’ll be resentful of mums that have the assistance of their own mums with their live in/drop of a hat nanny day care and feel that they are not fully understanding of what it takes to keep everything together and have nothing but respect and disbelief at how single mothers cope. You will constantly compare your parenting ability and style to other mums and take tips and make judgments but you’ll wonder how they manage and what they truly feel.

You will feel like a piece of furniture in the house. You will feel that you’re dull and therefore ignored and unappreciated and by your partner and your child. All you seem to be needed for is sorting the washing, doing the dishes and keeping the fridge stocked and you’ll fail at these menial tasks and feel totally useless. But there will be times when you are the only thing your child needs; your presence, your touch, your voice will be what soothes and reassures them and that will bring you an immense sense of commitment and purpose.

You’ll daydream about a time where you’ll be able to have holidays where you can snorkel and sunbathe again, where you’ll be able to chose any restaurant you fancy and wonder when you’ll ever not need to clock watch again. Then you’ll look back on photos and memories and will feel so sad at how quickly things change and that those times have passed and you’ll never have a cuddle with your child as a newborn again. You’ll relish opportunities to have alone time but feel nothing but guilt and longing for the duration that your little person is away from you. You won’t be able to go a few minutes without your mind wandering back to thoughts of them and what they’re up to.

You will develop that primal mother bear instinct that you’d heard about and be fiercely protective of your child and any ideas or judgments people have of them. You’ll watch news or films involving a child’s misfortune and you’ll be able to imagine the sorrow and despair and it will bring you to tears. The pride and joy you feel when you observe or hear about something your little one did will also bring you to tears. You will feel you’re owed a pat on the back for just being a mum and you’ll want to salute other new mums too and tell them well done. You will want to make new friends with other mums but will feel too anxious to commit to new friendships in fear of your child misbehaving or embarrassing you. Somedays you will be really lazy and rely on tv too much to occupy your child but you’ll make up for it by baking cakes and setting up arts & crafts which you’ll spend more time preparing and cleaning up than your child will sit entertained for. Or you’ll be brave and venture out somewhere new in the hope of a lovely adventure only for your child to play up and not enjoy it and you’ll wonder why you bother. You’ll know you’re making decisions that might give you a quick win but negatively impact your child’s behaviour in the long run but you’ll do it for an easier life. ‘Mum knows best’ will come into its own and you’ll do things that others judge or mock you for but you’ll feel strongly that it’s what’s right for you.

You’ll roll your eyes and sigh with disappointment when you hear those middle of the night cries. You will wonder what you got yourself into knowing that you brought this all upon yourself and feel stupid for complaining. You’ll pray for sleep. You’ll pray for good health. You’ll pray that everything will be worth it. Your marriage will take a backseat and you will worry and feel bad for the lack of effort and reminisce about how much excitement there used to be and promise to get back to that place. Your husband will frustrate and annoy you more than ever but you will also never feel more love towards him than when you see the bond he shares with your child. You will have beautiful talks with your husband about your child and both be swept up in complete awe of the little person you have created. You will discuss grand plans and ideas about them and their future but also feel so strongly that you just want them to be happy because your happiness rests on theirs. You’ll wonder what you ever used to talk about before you were parents!

Self care is important to you and you will fight for your right to have a massage or go out for a coffee. You’ll be conscious that others will view you as selfish or a bad mum in doing this but you know that it’s important to be a good role model to your child and encourage them to prioritise their well-being as they grow up. In being a role model and knowing how much your child soaks up from just observing you you’ll strive to be a better person all the time, you’ll become more considerate, more patient, more understanding. You’ll feel that you sacrifice so much and that you’re running on empty, unable to give anything more and just desperate for some sort of reward. Although fleeting there will be moments in a day or in a week where you will be rewarded with an unprompted cuddle or a new saying or skill from your little one and it truly will melt you and you’re heart will fill itself up and give you the encouragement you seek to keep on trying to be the best mum, the right mum for them.

‘Gentle parenting’

With Bodhi fast approaching 2 we are seeing our fair share of meltdowns, hearing a lot of ‘no’ and trying our best to understand his sudden very particular demands! My once chilled, agreeable and content little boy now has a mind and will of his own and isn’t afraid to make a noise about it if things aren’t going exactly his way! Yet he’s never been more affectionate, charming or at times helpful and cooperative. He’s a little Jekyll and Hyde and it is frustrating, exhausting and filling me with fear as we’re only just entering ‘the terrible twos’!

I have a vision for how I’m going to handle Bodhi’s testing behaviour but it’s easier said than done. I have already found myself saying ‘no’ a lot, raising my voice, losing my patience and just feeling like giving in to him and whatever he wants. I’ve also thought about how unreasonable he is and how I’ve resented him for having a public meltdown or felt at that I must be doing something wrong for him to feel like he has to act out. What I need to remember though is that Bodhi acting like this is totally normal and important for his development and he needs me to help him handle his emotions and and understand them.

I’ve been reading ‘No bad kids’ by Janet Lansbury; a child and parent educator. She’s promotes gentle/mindful/RIE parenting and most of what she talks about when it comes to children and understanding their behaviour and emotions makes so much sense to me and is definitely influencing the way I view and react to Bodhi and his needs. I’m taking elements of this gentle parenting approach and that doesn’t mean Bodhi won’t be told off or will be unruly I just see how a calmer, considered approach could lead to a happier household. I think a lot of parents go down to route of introducing ‘time out’ or a naughty step, a rewards chart or they may result in shouting and punishing in a bid to sort the behaviour out. What some of these tactics do is allow temporary wins but the same behaviour will repeat itself or can result in the child feeling shamed and unloved. For me when it comes to parenting I want to raise children that grow into confident, balanced, happy, considerate individuals that understand their emotions and how to process them. Through what I’ve read the best way to help little ones with this is to treat them with respect, help them identify their emotions, be there to confort them through whatever emotional breakdown they’re going through and communicate honestly and with integrity. If I have to say no i explain why, if bodhi is angry/sad I label that emotion for him and tell him i understand, i aim to follow through on anything I’ve said, if he starts to have a meltdown I’ll try and just let him go through the motions of it. That’s definitely a tricky one because I’m so conscious of other people and what they think of me and having the spotlight on me, my crying child and my parenting is not something I find comfortable in public. I’m starting to work on this though and be less bothered by other people’s opinions and instead just focus on what’s right for Bodhi and what’s going to help him.

As adults we allow ourselves the time and space to have a good cry if we need it, we’d feel pretty disrespected if people kept trying to distract us away from whatever we wanted to feel at the time and we are also hopefully honest and communicate with each other rather than just shouting if somebody does something ‘wrong’. I try and bring this to the forefront of my mind now rather than just reacting with my own emotions. A quote which really backs this up for me is ‘when little people are experiencing big emotions it is our job to share our calm rather than join in on the chaos.’ Shouting and showing stress only fuels the chaos because it tells Bodhi that I am out of control too and that might make him feel less secure and he’ll continue to act out or be scared into obedience. I don’t want Bodhi to think that it’s effective to shout at others to control them and make them feel bad or guilty for having certain feelings. I also hope that giving Bodhi the space and acceptance means that he’ll trust me and feel safe to fully be himself with me which can only be a great foundation to our relationship over the years.

Usually bad behaviour is a cry for help and there’s an underlying reason for it. With Bodhi I know he’ll be harder work if he hasn’t had a nap or if he hasn’t eaten. Sometimes even if all of his needs are met and he’s still pushing my buttons he might just actually need a cuddle or some quiet time or a change of scenery. Most often the naughty kids at school were the ones that were secretly most scared, unsure and lacking in self esteem/confidence. Bad behaviour at this age is also a perfectly normal way for Bodhi to experiment with boundaries. Children actually want boundaries and rules; they need them to feel safe but they also like to see how far they can push them to test us and how in control we are. The ultimate aim in setting our expectations of Bodhis behaviour through a respectful, considerate and patient approach is that he’ll still know what’s expected of him but rather than be scared or threatened into behaving well he’ll just do it! That’s the aim anyway!

There are other things I’m starting to be more mindful of as a parent after reading some other articles and research from child educators. I’m trying to limit how I phrase what is essentially ‘No’. Saying it too often means it will become redundant and Bodhi will tune out of when no means no so I try to say ‘I can’t let you climb up there it’s dangerous’ instead of just ‘no, get down’. What Bodhi hears a lot of will become his inner voice so I don’t want to follow him around all day saying ‘you can’t/no’ and instead pick my moments when those words or phrases really do need to stand out and be taken notice of. I’m trying to be more aware of how I talk about him in front of him to others too. If I go around saying ‘he’s shy/he’s naughty/he’s hard work’ he will come to believe those things of himself and probably do more to fall in line with those labels. On the lines of respect I try and give Bodhi some autonomy and choice in his life. Toddlers become so defiant and uncooperative especially when it’s time to get ready or leave the house so I like to give Bodhi little opportunities to have a little bit of say in the hope that he’ll cooperate better and not feel the need to go against everything to test the boundary. It’s usually just letting him decide what coat or hat to wear or what cereal or what cup he wants. As is the case with most philosophies and opinions not everything is going to resonate and work for you but you can pick out the parts that do. Everyone has their own vision for the type of parent they are or who they want to be and different approaches work for different families. I’m not completely rigid and narrow minded to other approaches and know that certain situations will call for different actions. I know adding a newborn into the mix is going to throw up a lot of challenges and truly test my patience in this parenting style! The thing with all aspects of parenting is being flexible but being okay with your decisions and what works for you. There is no such thing as a perfect parent and it’s okay to give yourself a break, have bad days and try again. That’s why I like reading what I can because I do believe knowledge is power and having some resources to refer to and back me up help when most of the time I feel like I’m absolutely winging it as a mum. I just want to do the best that I can to raise wonderful boys that can grow up in this world as strong, kind, bright individuals that I have solid, meaningful, honest relationships with.

Pregnancy update!

We’re over half way through this pregnancy so I thought it would be a good time to do a little update.

This pregnancy and the way my body has reacted to it has been so similar to when I was pregnant with Bodhi. So much so that I just knew it was another little boy. We decided to find out the gender at our 20 week scan. We didn’t find out with Bodhi and weren’t planning to find out with this one and even on the day of the scan it came down to the flip of a coin as to whether we would find out. I think it’s nice to keep it a surprise; it’s how nature intends it and I truly believe that you get what’s meant to be for you. It was more the organisation side of things which led me to want to find out because i was hoarding so many of Bodhi’s clothes and not knowing whether it was just taking up space or going to come in handy. Also because I’m trying to help Bodhi understand there’s a baby coming it’s been nice to start familiarising him with the fact that he’s going to have a little brother! Yes, we’re having a little boy! I’m very excited about living in a house of boys and being the queen of the house, haha!

Despite knowing the gender it hasn’t meant that I’ve gone on a mad dash to buy loads of things for the baby. There’s still time but even so it doesn’t feel like an overwhelming and confusing task like it did first time around. We’ll be investing in a ‘next to me’ crib to attach to the bed as the baby will be in with us for the first 6 months I expect. We had a Moses basket for Bodhi which he quickly outgrew and then we were lucky enough to borrow a next to me crib from my sister in law until Bodhi went into his cot in his room at 6 months. I was thinking that we may have to fork out for a double buggy but Bodhi hates getting in the pram now so I think it will be hassle and a big expense for a short lived convenience so I’m going to just get a buggy board and hope for the best!

In terms of me and how I’m feeling this pregnancy the biggest challenge is the exhaustion. I felt tired when pregnant with Bodhi and then when he arrived I knew the true meaning of tiredness but that’s been trumped with how exhausted I now am so I’m really terrified of what tired looks and feels like as a mum of 2. Other ailments which have led me down the google rabbit hole have been suffering a lot of headaches in the first trimester and terribly dry skin (both common boy symptoms btw). I did have a bit of a scare with some bleeding at 10/11 weeks but an early scan revealed everything was fine and I didn’t get any more bleeding after that. I remember sailing through pregnancy with Bodhi and feeling really lucky at how fine I always felt. I think I’ve been lucky again so far as although I don’t think I’m loving this pregnancy as much I know some people really hate and struggle the whole way and I don’t feel like that yet. I miss my appetite though! I can’t remember the last full meal I ate. I felt nauseous the whole first trimester and was really off of my food and I’ve continued to graze/snack since. My hunger erupts from nowhere and it vanishes just as soon as I do start eating. I actually weigh the same as I did pre-pregnancy! I’m not worried because it was pretty much the same with Bodhi and I always measured the correct amount of weeks pregnant and I still have the third trimester to go where I’m sure the pounds will start piling on!

I’ve been going to a pregnancy yoga class since I was 16 weeks and I absolutely love it. It gives me 90 minutes completely to myself each week and it’s so relaxing and feels so good for my body and my mind. As it’s pregnancy yoga the postures are all focused around how to alleviate typical pregnancy aches and pains and there’s also lots of breathing and posture tips for labour. It feels very much in line with when I practiced hypnobirthing before; all very much trusting your mind and body to get you through labour. I’m going to start listening to my hypnobirthing tracks soon. I still have them from when we did the classes when I was pregnant with Bodhi as well as a book to recap everything I learnt. If I could replicate the labour and birth I had with Bodhi I’d be very happy but I know no 2 births are the same so I’m just going to do what I can with the aim to achieve another enjoyable, natural, drug free birth. After losing a lot of blood delivering my placenta last time I was worried I might have a birth plan decided for me but luckily the consultant has signed me off to be able to have a natural birth wherever I choose. I just need to have the injection straight after birth to get the placenta out rather than letting it come naturally.

Being pregnant second time around isn’t as consuming or as exciting as first time around. Jack and I forget about it all the time! We’re just so busy spinning plates and thinking about Bodhi, work and all the life admin there isn’t much time to sit and talk through how lovely and life changing it is like I remember we did first time around. Being pregnant with Bodhi we made the most of it just being the two of us with plenty of meals out, cinema trips and a baby moon to Dubai and the Maldives (sigh). I can’t tell you how much I’m craving a bit of winter sun and how I wish we could get away but it’s just not worth the extra hassle with a toddler in tow; it’s more relaxing to stay at home!

Expecting a baby is exciting though and the joy of feeling them kicking away and visualising life with them must be the same whether it’s your first, second or sixth child! I feel a little naughty in knowing what we’re having because it feels like we’ve opened a present early but the anticipation of when they’ll arrive and who they’ll be and what they’ll look like is still magical.

Working mum

I returned to work on a part time basis, working 3 days between 9-6. It was always my intention to return to work, not only for financial reasons but also because I don’t think I’d cope well not having another purpose or role in my life apart from being mum. That is in no way an insult to anybody that chooses or has no other option than to not work. I’ve worked full time since I was 17 and I’ve been fortunate to always land jobs I’ve enjoyed on the whole. I don’t have a career as I’ve done a bit of all sorts but I’ve always moved up or moved on. When deciding to start a family discussed our options and whether I would stop working to be a full time stay at home mum or would go back to work. If i was to take a few years off of work to bring up babies inevitably I’d have to return to employment and so staying employed is the more sensible option. Even if we were in a position for me to never have to work again I think I’d struggle with not having another environment to express myself in. I really was looking forward to having a year off on maternity leave with Bodhi but as we all come to realise you are not ‘off’. There are no days off! It is a lovely feeling not having to answer to or be responsible for anything apart from your little family and there’s no tedious commute and no unrealistic deadlines. That said staying at home with baby can be stressful, mundane and overwhelming all at the same time. Whilst the workload and pressures are different I still think I find it more tiring being at home than I do in the office! When my maternity leave drew to a close I had very mixed emotions about my return to work. I was looking forward to shaking up my routine, switching back on parts of my brain that were starting to fade, discussing things other than Bodhi’s feeding schedule, bowel movements and sleeping arrangements. I also felt terrible guilt that I was looking forward to some time away from Bodhi and felt sad that we would drastically be in each other’s lives a lot less.

Adjusting to working whilst also being a mum came fairly easily. I think the biggest factor for this is that Bodhi settled into nursery from day 1. He has always been so excited and happy to get involved and play when I take him in. Nursery provide daily reports about what he’s eaten, how much he’s slept so that gives my neurotic obsessed mum mind some peace! I haven’t had to endure painful emotional goodbyes when dropping him off so it’s allowed me to focus on my day without feeling sad or guilty. It’s a hectic day though; I’m responsible for sorting out Bodhi’s bag for the day and making sure that both he and I are up, dressed, fed and out of the house for 8am. Some days there’s no time for breakfast and some days I don’t look too presentable but most of the time we make it and I’m in work for 9am. Some days I make it home in time to put Bodhi to bed but not always especially now that I’m commuting on the bus. Out of the 3 days I work 2 are consecutive days and that I find tough if within 48hours I’ve seen Bodhi for maybe 1-2 hours I miss him terribly!

What we have found incredibly tough is how often Bodhi isn’t well enough to go in to nursery which means one of us needs to take the time off to look after him. People did warn us that germs spread like wildfire at nurseries and to expect Bodhi to catch everything going around especially as he was starting at a young age. The toughest part for me is the fact that I’m only part time means that my days are already crammed and so missing a day sets me back massively. Also managing a team means I have the added pressure of needing and wanting to be reliable, present and committed. Of course on the flip side, when I am at work and not with Bodhi when he’s poorly I feel immense guilt and a pull to be with him. Jack and I have taken it in turns to take any time off but it causes us both stress having time away from work especially due to the ridiculous frequency it’s been! It’s frustrating because you feel as though everyones perception is that you don’t care about not being in work or that you’re taking advantage of having a child to take time off. I suppose people that have children are perhaps more understanding about what it’s like. The days I have off are unpaid unless I use holiday yet I still have to pay the fees for nursery so it is annoying.

Being in the office as a mum is different especially when you’re in the minority of being as parent and even more so when you’re under 30 and a parent. The company I work for employs young, ambitious, sociable people with a ‘work hard, play hard’ ethos. I was one of those people and it’s still in me somewhere but my mindset, interests and priorities have changed since having Bodhi. I’m a different person in a whole other world outside of the office.

People are already asking me if I’ll return to work after having my 2nd baby. Again the intention is yes! I worry if I’ll ever make it in with more chance of illness with two of them! I’m sure I’ll be absolutely exhausted and feel completely overwhelmed and stressed some days but we’ll try our best to make it work. Nursery fees are not cheap and I don’t see much of an income once I’ve covered bodhis nursery but what he and I have gained from that bit of independence away from each other can’t be measured in monetary terms. Bodhi has his own identity and life at nursery just like I do at work and I think he thrives there because of it. If Bodhi was unhappy or if nursery was setting him back in any way I would of course reconsider, I’m just so grateful that he does enjoy it. If I was ever faced with the ultimatum of work or children I would pick children every time. Being a mum has been my biggest source of pride and joy and no success at work could compare.

If you’re trying to decide whether to return to work after having a baby there’s a lot to weigh up and consider. Even if you really want to it has to work for your family. I can work the hours required of me at work because Jack is able to pick Bodhi up from nursery. We can afford to cover nursery and have a little bit of income so it’s better than if I wasn’t working at all yet I couldn’t afford to work any more nor would I want to whilst Bodhi is so young. There are cheaper childcare options such as child minders and it is fantastic if you can rely on family for it but we’re not in that position. I chose the nursery because it had the days available that I needed and is close to home so easy for pick ups and drop offs. Going back to work also has to be something you want to do and something that your partner supports. Luckily Jack values and understands why I want to work and whilst I’m sure he’d love me at home doing all the cooking and cleaning he’s made it easy for me to work by taking on those extra responsibilities. We really do try not to keep score over who has had the harder day or who has done more but it is hard and when Bodhi cries out at 3am there is usually a mini snide debate over whose turn it is to get up. I do feel a bit guilty about the fact that I wanted to return to work and have something to focus on outside of motherhood and admitting that I’d find it very tough looking after my own children 24/7 makes me wonder if I should’ve had kids!? I have to say that although being a mum has it’s tough moments I’ve also never felt so much joy, pride and love. Sorry to be soppy but it is the most rewarding role I’ve ever taken on.

Baby number 2: expectations!

With my miserable accounts of newborn struggles & desperate posts about sleepless nights I suppose it was a surprise to some that I’d decide to put myself through it all again by having another baby. True, when Bodhi was about 2 months old I did utter the words to Jack ‘never again’ but fast forward to Bodhi being 6 months and I knew we’d be having at least one more!

Knowing if and when you’ll try to have a second baby is very personal and individual to every family. Jack and I both found the first 3 months of being new parents to be a massive shock to the system and our life and were both in agreement that we’d rather welcome the stress of that again sooner than later. Other people may find that odd and say that it would be better to wait until your first gets older so that it might be easier to juggle a baby with a more independent toddler/child. This makes sense and I can see why people would opt for a longer age gap to benefit from this but we preferred the idea of having our little ones quite close in age. There are pros and cons to any age gap and although I think we’re setting ourselves up for a very testing time with ‘2 under 2’ for a short while I hope that once we clear the baby stage that having just under 2 years between them will be a nice age gap to navigate. Here’s hoping that they’ll be close and not enemies!

We decided that as soon as Bodhi turned 1 we’d be happy to start trying for number 2. We fell pregnant with Bodhi instantly but didn’t know if we’d be so lucky second time around which also factored into our decision to start trying for another. It didn’t happen as quickly but I certainly know that we were very lucky again to not have to struggle to conceive and I fell pregnant when Bodhi was 15 months old. I was apprehensive about being pregnant whilst Bodhi is still so young and dependent on me and I’m still worried about how the rest of the pregnancy will go and how I’ll manage to run around after Bodhi or bend over into his cot when I have a massive belly! Of course I realise I’m not the only person doing this so of course I will make it and survive but I do wonder if I have knowingly set myself up for a more challenging experience compared to if Bodhi was that bit older. But let’s be honest every month that passes brings a new challenge in motherhood regardless of the age of your child so there’s no way of knowing if Bodhi is ‘easier’ now or when he’s 4 or when he’s a teenager; who knows what he’ll be like!

The main things I’m stressed about when thinking ahead to welcoming our new baby to the family are probably things that every expectant mum goes through. Will Bodhi be ok with the new baby? I hope he doesn’t feel neglected or jealous. What’s the plan with Bodhi when I’m in labour? How will I cope getting through the sleepless nights with a baby and toddler? Will I bond with the new baby as much because I won’t just be able to sit and cuddle all day? Will I be a good mum to both of them without having to neglect everything and everyone else? In the newborn fog I’ll also be trying to handle some important toddler milestones with Bodhi such as potty training and transitioning him from cot to bed so I’ll definitely have my work cut out! Luckily Jack is so brilliant and hands on so the fact I know we’re a team and will tackle it all together fills me with some comfort and reassurance that all will be ok. I do cringe when people say ‘is jack hands on/does he help out/it’s good that he does Bodhi’s tea or bedtime’ because his role as a dad and caregiver is as important as mine; as parents it is all about team work. Whilst I spend more time with bodhi and am much more consumed with all the planning and sorting for Bodhi, when jack is with him he absolutely should be able to do everything that I can do and no part of fundamental care giving to his child should be rewarded with a pat on the back or treated as a favour to me. Of course I do sing his praises because everyone deserves that when they are doing a good job. I knew jack would be a good dad and that’s why I wanted a family with him but he surpassed my expectations of how amazing and natural he would be and he has his priorities straight which makes everything easier.

With Bodhi I found the first 3 months so so tough; the exhaustion, the uncertainty, the pain, the frustration, the love, the fear; everything just overwhelmed me! This time around I hope it will be much better. It’s a shame really that you don’t get to experience the confidence of being a mum to a newborn without the distraction of also being a mum to your older child. This time I won’t be able to cuddle up with the baby all day; I’ll have to get out of the house for Bodhi. I feel a bit sorry for the new baby too; it won’t have my undivided attention, it may not always be our first priority, it won’t have the lovely peaceful and calm environment like Bodhi had. Then I think about how much fun the two of them will have and that they’ll be able to play together and entertain each other. They’ll learn and develop a lot from being with each other and I can’t wait to witness the bond between them. I’ve not forgotten the emotional rollercoaster that we went through but perhaps I am better prepared for what’s to come this time. I also know how fast it all goes so I think I will just surrender myself to it and lap it up because it doesn’t last forever and god how I wish I could cuddle my newborn Bodhi again!

Logistically I have a few ideas and plans in place which I hope will help me through the early stages of being a mum of two. I plan for Bodhi to still attend nursery; not as much as he currently does 3 full days whilst I work but at least 2 mornings or afternoons a week. I’ll use it as my opportunity to have some one on one time with the baby and I know it will be good for Bodhi. He loves his days at nursery and thrives there so I don’t want to take him out of that fun, social environment. I also think I’ll hold off on potty training or bedroom changing for the first few months because too much change can be unsettling and I don’t want Bodhi to feel like everything has been turned upside down in his little world. Of course this is all ‘expectation’ and the reality could be very different. If I’ve learned anything through being a parent it’s that you have to adjust your thoughts and plans constantly. It will be very interesting for me to read this blog post back in a years time to see how everything is planning out and how the reality compares to the expectation of being a mum of 2!

Being pregnant this time around is a lot more tiring than I remember but that is most likely because I have a little whirlwind to run around after. It’s also going scarily fast! We have our 20 week scan next month and I’m pretty sure we’re going to leave the gender to be a surprise again. We were more tempted to find out this time just because I have a lot of Bodhi’s clothes which I could either get rid of or keep based on knowing the gender but that probably is the only reason I’d want to know! It’s a very special and exciting time and we cannot wait to meet our little baby; the one that will complete our family. I know it will be hard but I also know that I could literally burst with joy, love and pride for Bodhi and so to have that feeling for 2 little people is going to be so amazing!

I’d love to know how others have coped with a similar age gap and any tips or warnings you can share!