A letter to myself pre-motherhood

When you think you feel ready to have a baby give yourself another year before you start trying. You’re the sort of couple that find satisfaction in ticking off tasks, in seeing new places and in doing things your own way. Having a child will hinder your ability to do these things and you’ll find that frustrating and sometimes resent that you didn’t do more before having a baby. But if you wait that’s another year of your life without them. Them; the light of your life, the only thing that can make your heart burst and ache with every emotion. You will forever struggle to articulate the feelings you feel and the love you have for your child. You will see your previous self as a shell of a person, empty and basing success and purpose and joy on things that will bear no significance compared to what you go through as a mother. Nothing will ever be as important or conjure up as many emotions.

Unlike some mums you will not want being a mum to define you, you want to have other things to talk about yet you’ll find that actually nothing will consume or interest you more than conversations about parenting and babies. Somebody saying you’re a good mum will be the most meaningful compliment you could ever get. All those years spent questioning who you are and what your purpose is in life will be put to rest. Being a mum will occupy your time and push everything else to the wayside. The most important thing to you will be your children’s happiness and that they grow up to be wonderful individuals and you’ll feel pretty content in just fulfilling that goal, aware that it will be something you work on all your life. Having said that you’ll still be envious of mums that seem to do it all; be great mums and achieve or stand for other purposes. You will question if you are a good mum; you’ll put in hours and hours of research but find you’re still winging it. You’ll contradict yourself a lot. You’ll be resentful of mums that have the assistance of their own mums with their live in/drop of a hat nanny day care and feel that they are not fully understanding of what it takes to keep everything together and have nothing but respect and disbelief at how single mothers cope. You will constantly compare your parenting ability and style to other mums and take tips and make judgments but you’ll wonder how they manage and what they truly feel.

You will feel like a piece of furniture in the house. You will feel that you’re dull and therefore ignored and unappreciated and by your partner and your child. All you seem to be needed for is sorting the washing, doing the dishes and keeping the fridge stocked and you’ll fail at these menial tasks and feel totally useless. But there will be times when you are the only thing your child needs; your presence, your touch, your voice will be what soothes and reassures them and that will bring you an immense sense of commitment and purpose.

You’ll daydream about a time where you’ll be able to have holidays where you can snorkel and sunbathe again, where you’ll be able to chose any restaurant you fancy and wonder when you’ll ever not need to clock watch again. Then you’ll look back on photos and memories and will feel so sad at how quickly things change and that those times have passed and you’ll never have a cuddle with your child as a newborn again. You’ll relish opportunities to have alone time but feel nothing but guilt and longing for the duration that your little person is away from you. You won’t be able to go a few minutes without your mind wandering back to thoughts of them and what they’re up to.

You will develop that primal mother bear instinct that you’d heard about and be fiercely protective of your child and any ideas or judgments people have of them. You’ll watch news or films involving a child’s misfortune and you’ll be able to imagine the sorrow and despair and it will bring you to tears. The pride and joy you feel when you observe or hear about something your little one did will also bring you to tears. You will feel you’re owed a pat on the back for just being a mum and you’ll want to salute other new mums too and tell them well done. You will want to make new friends with other mums but will feel too anxious to commit to new friendships in fear of your child misbehaving or embarrassing you. Somedays you will be really lazy and rely on tv too much to occupy your child but you’ll make up for it by baking cakes and setting up arts & crafts which you’ll spend more time preparing and cleaning up than your child will sit entertained for. Or you’ll be brave and venture out somewhere new in the hope of a lovely adventure only for your child to play up and not enjoy it and you’ll wonder why you bother. You’ll know you’re making decisions that might give you a quick win but negatively impact your child’s behaviour in the long run but you’ll do it for an easier life. ‘Mum knows best’ will come into its own and you’ll do things that others judge or mock you for but you’ll feel strongly that it’s what’s right for you.

You’ll roll your eyes and sigh with disappointment when you hear those middle of the night cries. You will wonder what you got yourself into knowing that you brought this all upon yourself and feel stupid for complaining. You’ll pray for sleep. You’ll pray for good health. You’ll pray that everything will be worth it. Your marriage will take a backseat and you will worry and feel bad for the lack of effort and reminisce about how much excitement there used to be and promise to get back to that place. Your husband will frustrate and annoy you more than ever but you will also never feel more love towards him than when you see the bond he shares with your child. You will have beautiful talks with your husband about your child and both be swept up in complete awe of the little person you have created. You will discuss grand plans and ideas about them and their future but also feel so strongly that you just want them to be happy because your happiness rests on theirs. You’ll wonder what you ever used to talk about before you were parents!

Self care is important to you and you will fight for your right to have a massage or go out for a coffee. You’ll be conscious that others will view you as selfish or a bad mum in doing this but you know that it’s important to be a good role model to your child and encourage them to prioritise their well-being as they grow up. In being a role model and knowing how much your child soaks up from just observing you you’ll strive to be a better person all the time, you’ll become more considerate, more patient, more understanding. You’ll feel that you sacrifice so much and that you’re running on empty, unable to give anything more and just desperate for some sort of reward. Although fleeting there will be moments in a day or in a week where you will be rewarded with an unprompted cuddle or a new saying or skill from your little one and it truly will melt you and you’re heart will fill itself up and give you the encouragement you seek to keep on trying to be the best mum, the right mum for them.