6 weeks into being a mum to two! To be fair I haven’t exactly been flying solo for the past 6 weeks as Jack has had most of that time off of work; a mix of paternity and annual leave plus 4 bank holidays. I’m so grateful and know how lucky I am to have had his support when I’ve needed it most. Its been a busy time as expected; adjusting to a family of 4 as well as celebrating Bodhi’s 2nd birthday and also mine and jacks birthdays.
Everyone is curious to find out how Bodhi is doing with the new arrival. Initially it was smooth sailing and Bodhi was besotted with his little brother, wanting to hold him and be near him but the novelty has now worn off. It’s probably a mixture of adjusting to the changes as well as entering the ‘terrible twos’ but since turning 2 it’s as if somebody has replaced my sweet, calm, joyful Bodhi with an emotionally unstable, spoilt, boisterous devil. I knew a 23 month age gap was going to be a challenge and that 2 is a testing age I just don’t think I was quite prepared for frustrating it would be. I know it’s all part of his development and is totally normal behaviour. At the moment I am just giving into his every demand for an easy life whilst I still have a very needy newborn. Bodhi’s content to eat snacks and watch films all day so whilst it’s great that he’s occupied I feel sick at how much screen time he’s having! He’s still going to nursery for 3 (soon to be 2) days a week so I know I can’t really complain that my life is hard! He needs nursery; the interaction with other children, the messy play, the structure and it’s good for me as I have time to focus on Ruben without feeling distracted or guilty, I can stay on top of housework too and to be quite honest I think Bodhi is probably happier at nursery! We do make an effort to give him choices and involve him with Ruben and dedicate lots of time doing things Bodhi enjoys. I’m hoping his emotions will settle soon and he’ll start to understand better and cooperate more but I know that’s probably naive to think that it’s going to get easier any time soon.
Despite having a rough experience breastfeeding Bodhi I wanted to try breastfeeding again. My goal was to get to 6 weeks as that’s how far I got with Bodhi albeit majority of that came through expressing and formula top ups. So today is a celebration for me as I have been exclusively breastfeeding Ruben for 6 weeks. I can’t quite believe it and at the start I couldn’t see myself getting here as found it so painful and relentless. I seem to have easy pregnancies, smooth labours and quick postpartum recovery but I go through hell with breastfeeding! I was more prepared this time around so I knew it was going to be hard and would hurt but I’ve just kept going in the hope it would get easier, every feed was a step closer to my goal. I think Silvercups saved my breastfeeding journey! 1 week in i was struggling and somebody recommended them to help heal sore/cracked nipples and I was willing to invest in anything that could help so forked out £40 for the things and have been wearing them 24/7 ever since. I’m too scared to not use them now in fear the pain will come back but they are a bit annoying. To be honest the faff of them plus breast pads and limited clothing options and all the leaking does make me feel like quitting every day but then I think how annoying sterilising and making up bottles is, especially in the night so I just keep going. I will probably look to express soon so that jack can do a feed every now and then and to prepare me/Ruben if ever I do want to leave him with somebody else for a few hours but im actually reluctant to introduce a bottle or formula just yet whilst Ruben seems so content on my milk.
Having a newborn is a very different experience for me this time around. I’m trying to go with it and soak it all up because the newborn phase is fleeting and precious and actually probably the easiest stage in many ways! Ruben wakes every 2 hours in the night for a feed yet I’m not bothered by it as I know it’s not forever and I think my body is just used to disrupted sleep now. When Bodhi was a newborn I was so nervous going anywhere with him in case he’d need to be fed or cry! With Ruben I’ve fed him on a bench at the zoo, in the car in numerous car parks and in a handful of cafes. Ruben is just slotting in with our life and what we want to do right now before we’re restricted by a routine. It’s Bodhi that I’m more nervous to take out now!
The hardest thing about being a mum to two is wanting to be there for them both in equal measure often at the same time. It just isn’t possible. I feel so much guilt when Bodhi takes me by the hand asking to do something and I tell him I can’t because I’m feeding or settling Ruben. When Ruben naps I jump at the opportunity to smother Bodhi with my love and attention but often he’s not ready to receive it and will want a cuddle when I can’t. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to love another as much as my first but already I have so much love for Ruben and know how much better and stronger it’s going to get as he and his personality grow. I look forward to when Ruben can do a bit more and Bodhi will get more from him too then and hope that they will have a lovely bond.
Ash the mum 