Six months in.

The last time I blogged was an update on my life six weeks in as a mum of two. It’s now six months!

Powering through is a phrase that most definitely sums up how Jack and I are doing! Powering through suggests we’re going to reach an easier time, whether that’s true I don’t know, from my experience of motherhood so far it doesn’t get easier you just get tougher! When we made the decision to have children close together it was because we were in the trenches of full on, exhaustive, relentless parenting and we didn’t want to get out to have to get back in again so thought we’d stay put. I definitely believe we have given ourselves a harder time because of this but another reason was because we liked the idea of them growing up close in age. Already I can see the bond between them; how Bodhi is a protective and proud big brother and how Ruben looks up to Bodhi and finds him more entertaining than anything else. They are both comforted by each other too and love a cuddle, the month we spent away in Spain together did wonders for their relationship. It’s these moments that make me really glad that we just went for it and I only hope they are grateful for it too in the future. So when people ask me if it’s hard having two and also having them quite close it’s tricky because now it’s all I know and I think/hope we are through the hardest part. I can absolutely say I found it so much tougher going from none to one than one to two. There are days when it is really hard but that’s just life and I’m sure that’s the case no matter how many children you have and no matter what the age gaps.

It’s true when they say that the youngest will just slot in and also that you will love them just as much as your first. When I was pregnant I couldn’t imagine my heart could find room to love another as much as Bodhi but by some miracle it has. Ruben I have to say is a little sweetheart, he just has this sweet, gentle, loving nature and he has really given me the dreamy newborn mum journey which I thought was a con when I had Bodhi. It’s probably down to a bit of experience, plus me cherishing it more as he’s my last baby and knowing how quick it goes. I’m also just letting Ruben be a baby and in no hurry to wish it or him away. He doesn’t sleep well and has me up at least 3 times a night but I’m trying not to get in such a tizz about it like I did with Bodhi. As I’ve said before comparison is the thief of joy and I feel a bit gutted that I got too caught up in that as a first time mum with Bodhi so there’s no room for it this time.

Bodhi as a 2 and a half year old is, as the parenting books suggest, complex. We seem to go through fortnightly rotations of his angel/devil persona. At the moment it’s clear he is just tolerating me when Jacks not around because as soon as daddy is an option Bodhi will not have me do anything with or for him. He goes through these phases and I know just to wait my turn because I will be the favourite again, soon I hope! I worry it might have something to do with the fact that Bodhi sees me do everything for Ruben and so perhaps he thinks I’m not there for him anymore?

To be fair to Bodhi a lot has been thrown at him in the last six months; the arrival of Ruben, turning 2, moving class in nursery, moving bedroom and into a big bed, and finally ditching the dummy. He has grown up so much and even though he can be annoyingly whingey and frustratingly defiant I am really proud of him and the bright, lovely little character he is.

I think it’s fair to say Jack and I are absolutely stretched thin at the moment. We make a great team and I couldn’t choose a better person to be doing this with but it’s stressful and we can be petty and bicker over who is more tired or stressed. We are so in need of some time together without the stresses and strains of kids, work and house stuff. I think in the last 6 months the only time we’ve had ‘off’ was a 10 minute dip in the sea on holiday. But the kids were still there. We need to really have some space and a change of scenery together. But as much as I recognise we need it and want it it’s tricky when you have two, it’s a bit more of a burden to place on somebody else and more of a worry for me too. There are no days off as a parent. But that’s parenting and it’s what we chose so I just knuckle down, grit my teeth and silently simmer with envy at those that can afford or have the luxury of extra help. I’m really selling the idea of parenting aren’t I…haha!

I’ve made it to six months of exclusively breastfeeding Ruben. That once seemed such an unrealistic goal to achieve and I had my doubts all the way through if id get there but I am so proud that I have! After all the effort it can take some mums to get to a point where breastfeeding becomes easy I can definitely understand how a lot of mums continue breastfeeding a year and beyond. I’ve hit my goal of six months and had it in my mind that I’d be ready to get the formula out and get him fully off the boob as soon as he turned six months but truthfully I think we’ll take a slow and steady transition on to bottles. All of that said I am craving a bit of freedom and me time. Breastfeeding Ruben has meant that I’ve been a complete hermit after 5pm. I’ve been out once for 2 hours without him but that was cut short after he wouldn’t settle without me. Other than that my freedom is when I pop out alone to the local shop or takeaway and I make sure I stroll and take ages choosing what I want! I am also desperate to dedicate some uninterrupted time to Bodhi where it’s just the two of us every now and then and I know Jack feels the same about doing it with Ruben.

Sometimes I still can’t believe that I’m a mum of two boys. I never imagined I’d have boys! They are my life though and I don’t know what I’d be doing if I didn’t have them. Sure I’d be sleeping more, my house would potentially stay clean and tidy for longer than a couple of hours and I know I’d be travelling more but in between that I think I’d be feeling a little lost. Having them keeps things fairly simple really, perhaps mundane but meaningful. Looking ahead to the next six months fills me with excitement because I know how much Rubens character will start to blossom, when I look back at videos of Bodhi at 8,9,10 months it’s hilarious because his mannerisms are just the same as he is today! I’m worried about the upcoming winter because that is when we were hit with a barrage of illnesses when Bodhi was a baby and he hasn’t reacted well to colder weather since. These boys are summer babies and I swear they’re like me and thrive in the sunshine!

We’re halfway through my maternity leave now so every day is a day closer to returning to work and it’s just dawned on me how quickly time passes by. Although irritating when you hear it constantly it really is worth the constant reminder to ‘enjoy them because it goes so fast’.