I’m writing this during the peak of the global Covid 19 pandemic. That sentence alone sounds like it comes from some sort of sci fi novel and is definitely not a reality I thought I’d find myself in!
It’s such a surreal, unknown and worrying time and when it all began I actually felt for the first time that I regretted having children. For their sake. I felt guilty for bringing them into a world where this is their reality. Okay it might be short lived but it might be ongoing or recurring and I worry for them and their future.
We’ve been in lockdown for over a month now, we actually locked down a week before it was made official by the government as we all had symptoms of the dreaded Coronavirus. As with all phases and experiences of parenting I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions, some days loving our new lifestyle which has been forced upon us and other times completely miserable about the monotony of our new reality.
The boys are young, too young to understand what any of this means which is definitely something I’m glad about. They probably won’t remember anything about it and hopefully it shouldn’t negatively impact them too much in terms of their learning/development. But who knows? Maybe they’re at a really sensitive age and this will slow them down. I worry about Bodhi…he had got used to his own independence at nursery and was flourishing there. Will he lose his confidence? Will he regress? Is he getting enough stimulation, attention and social skills from me alone? I see other mums doing structured activities and amazing arts and crafts with kids of similar ages and feel so frustrated that all that effort would just be lost on Bodhi. He does not have the patience or interest with anything crafty, it’s just not his thing. His thing is watching tv and eating snacks! I still attempt creative things with him but some days we get by on a lot of films. He does love being outside so I cannot believe how lucky we’ve been to have this amazing weather and also how thankful I am to have a garden. We have no routine to our day other than meal times and going out for a walk after lunch. Bodhi seems to be pretty happy, I’ve asked him if he misses nursery and he says no. I daren’t ask if he misses certain other things we usually do as it could start him questioning things which as yet he hasn’t done. He’s started to ask to go to the zoo, and he’s asked about going to the beach and wanting to come with me to the shop and we have had tears when walking past the park but he hasn’t dwelled on it for long. We’ve FaceTimed family and we had some doorstep visitors when it was Rubens birthday so he has seen some people and he loves to chat over the fence to our neighbours. I have noticed Bodhi has suddenly started using his imagination with play a lot more which is so sweet. We’ve had a pet cat, we’ve been jumping on volcanos, we’ve had a ton of picnics and I overhear him acting out scenarios with all of his animals and paw patrols.
I think this time together has done wonders for the boys’ blossoming brotherhood, it’s lovely that they have each other for company and they definitely occupy and entertain each other. However it’s also hard work having the two of them. There is no opportunity for one on one time with either of them and that’s getting to me. They are both at very demanding ages and it’s exhausting. A lot of activities which would be great for Bodhi now aren’t safe for Ruben to join in with and Ruben wants to be in amongst whatever it is that Bodhi is doing. I get exasperated that I can’t commit myself fully to a task with one of them without the other one needing something and interrupting things. I know that sounds mean but I feel like neither of them are getting the best of me.
This lockdown has fallen during my last months of maternity leave so I haven’t really felt a significant change in my day to day. Of course we are not able to go to our baby groups, or run errands or see friends and family but it’s not like I’ve never stayed at home with them all day before. I had lots of exciting things lined up for my last months of Mat leave including a 10 day holiday to Cyprus, celebrating all of our birthdays and having parties and outings to mark the occasions. Whilst I’m gutted none of these things can happen I’m also glad I’ve been on Mat leave for the fact it’s been easy to manage. I’m due back to work soon and if we’re still in lockdown somehow jack and I are going to have to find a way to both work whilst also making sure the boys are looked after and that’s going to be hard on all of us. I know there are parents already in this boat and we’re not the only ones figuring this out.
Jack has been loving lockdown life. He’s usually spinning about 10 plates and rushing around here there and everywhere. He has a niggling need to be productive all of the time so this enforced quarantine has slowed him down and taken a lot of daily stress off his shoulders. He’s still working but it can mostly be done from home. He tucks himself upstairs away from the noise and chaos and appears for cups of tea and lunch. We’ve managed to organise a lot of our spaces at home, get through lots of tasks that kept being put off and we seem to be leading a healthier lifestyle. This is probably the longest we’ve gone without a takeaway in the whole 12 years we’ve known each other! We’re shopping more practically and eating better for it plus our daily exercise and all the vitamin d from the sunshine is doing us so much good.
Jack and I quite often find ourselves daydreaming about lockdown life without kids. Imagining how immaculate our house would be, binging on box sets, sleeping, reading, sun bathing…it sounds like heaven and a far cry from our chaotic, loud, messy, sleep deprived house hold. People without kids must be feeling pretty smug about it all I bet. However the mini dictators keep things interesting for us and having this time all together is something to cherish I know.
I miss our family and friends. I miss our outings to the zoo, the farm, the park, the cafe. I miss picking Bodhi up from nursery and hearing all about his day. I hope the boys are happy. I hope they will be okay after all of this. I hope our earth is restoring itself a little with this break. I wish this pandemic never happened and I wish it to be over soon but I appreciate how it has provided the opportunity to evaluate life as we know it.
The uncertainty of what’s ahead of us as a country is daunting but something I choose not to dwell on because nobody has any answers or predictions. I don’t watch the news very often anymore. For every downside of my personal situation there are far more positives to be grateful for. Not every day is a good day but I know that everyone else is also just finding their way through this so that’s somewhat a weird reassurance.
Ash the mum 