We are almost 10 months into breastfeeding with no signs of stopping any time soon.
At the start 10 days felt like a massive achievement and my goal of 6 weeks felt momentous, then when we hit 6 months I was super proud and prepared to stop but Ruben wasn’t and he still isn’t. I have no idea how long we’ll keep going for?! Some days I wish I’d given it up a lot sooner because of the frequent night wakes and because he’s never really content unless he’s being held by me. I don’t know if this is down to him being breastfed or if that’s just who he is! On the days I feel frustrated by it I remind myself how far I and we have come and I know that I’m doing my best for him. I’m not saying that breastfeeding is best because actually a mothers mental health comes first and in that case fed is best no matter how it’s delivered!
I’ve discussed it before in previous posts but just to give some background to my experience with breastfeeding I’ll remind you how tough I found breastfeeding with Bodhi. I struggled through 6 weeks before calling it quits with a sigh of major relief. Despite my struggles I still wanted to try and breastfeed Ruben and set myself a target to hit at least 6 weeks with him too. Through the challenges I faced with Bodhi I learnt a lot which I knew to be on the lookout for with Ruben, the first one being tongue tie. Sure enough Ruben had one and it was snipped when he was 3 days old because of my request. Bodhi’s tongue tie went undiagnosed until we were 3 weeks in, by which point damage was done and habits seemed to have formed because despite it being snipped every feed filled me with anxiety due to the pain. Another big thing I learned is that breastfeeding is not the easy, dreamy, natural vision that is often presented to us. At the start the reality is it’s uncomfortable, difficult and frustrating. It really is a skill to master, in my case anyway. When I tried with Bodhi I couldn’t understand where I was going wrong and why I was finding it so hard when it seemed everyone else could just get on with it with no major issues?! With Ruben I really prepared myself mentally for it being hard which was a much better place to start. I joined lots of breastfeeding groups on Facebook and went to a couple of breastfeeding support groups and I discovered there are so many mums that find it tough and need a ton of support and advice. Despite being in a better headspace this time and feeling like I was much more clued up I still found it very painful and the latch caused issues. I posted about my struggle and somebody came forward with the suggestion of buying some Silverette silver cups. I thought I’d tried everything but I had never come across these £40 silver cups that you pop on in between feeds. Feeling desperate I just bought them and within 72 hours I was completely healed. I was amazed and so grateful and kept wearing those silver cups for the next 3 months. I swear they saved my breastfeeding journey and at my target date of 6 weeks breastfeeding was pain free and getting easier every day.
I kept setting myself small goals, 8 weeks, 12 weeks, 4 months and then I figured I’d just make it to 6 months. At just over 6 months after doing almost every feed at every hour with Ruben I introduced a bottle of formula. Jack had given Ruben a bottle of expressed milk a handful of times but I didn’t see the point as I still had to express for missing a feed and so it didn’t really give me a break. By 6 months though jack wanted to start doing Rubens bedtime and do more with him and I wanted that too. Unfortunately Ruben is not a fan of the bottle and either refuses it or takes 1-2oz before pushing it away. We have persevered and we have tried about 5 different brands and teats and have tried it in a cup but he is just not a fan. I have still been able to leave him overnight as he’s just offered milk and water often and will just take a little bit at a time. It’s really different to our experience with Bodhi as he loved his bottle and would drain 7oz at every feed! We’re now at an age where Ruben doesn’t need as much milk and he gets by fine on water and food if I’m not around but will make up for it when I’m back.
I’ve wanted to stop breastfeeding so many times, mainly for my own selfish reasons; wanting more sleep, wanting to be able to wear whatever I want, wanting to go out without him. I then remember how short lived this time with a baby is, i have a year off of work for the purpose of being there for him so his needs outweigh mine really!
Now that I’ve had experience of bottle feeding and breast feeding a baby I can see the pros and cons to both. Breastfeeding is tough because it’s all down to me but it’s quicker than bottle feeding and that’s been so handy whilst also having Bodhi. It’s also been better for in the night, when I was bottle feeding Bodhi those night feeds would have me up an hour at a time with making a bottle, feeding and winding. With Ruben it’s 10 minutes! Then there is so much time saved from washing and preparing bottles and not to mention the money saved on formula. What I loved about bottle feeding though was the routine. We could really plan our day around feeds and I was able to establish a good nap routine around this and I’m sure Bodhi was a much easier and more content baby because of this. Ruben is still fed on demand and demanding he is! We’ve got a feed to sleep association which is probably the reason he still has me up 4 times a night with him only really settling back after being fed.
As we approach 12 months I do want to sort out Rubens sleeping habits and I think weaning off of breastfeeding is going to play a big part in that. I don’t mind getting to 12 months of breastfeeding and will be really happy if we do get there but it’s not a goal and I’m not interested in continuing into toddlerhood although I have found with Ruben has dictated everything so far. I can understand how mums do continue breastfeeding past 12 months and I honestly no longer judge them for it! I used to think ‘oh that’s a bit weird!’ but my perspective has changed now that I’m a breastfeeding mum. Being a mum to two young children is exhausting and honestly I do continue to breastfeed because it saves us all a lot of distress. I’ve attempted to withhold feeding him and just offer bottle or have jack take over but it causes so much stress it just feels so much kinder and easier to just keep up with the breastfeeding.
I honestly never thought I’d get this far and I am so grateful that we have. I wouldn’t have done it without the support of Jack and my other close family and friends. They’ve all been so encouraging and understanding. Sadly I know from hearing others experiences that lot of people are still very opinionated on breastfeeding and make you feel awkward or as if you’re doing something wrong or that your baby is a certain way because of being breastfed which ruins a lot of peoples journey. I know that breastfeeding doesn’t work for everyone or every situation and I’m not exactly one to preach that breastfeeding should be the only option because having tried it and failed I know how tough that is. If you’re planning on breastfeeding after a previous failed attempt or if you’re in the early days and struggling trust me if I can do it you can!
The best advice i was given which I can pass on is to set small goals and take each day as it comes. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and advice at support groups online and in person, that helped me not feel like I was failing and there was always somebody in a much worse situation or state that was continuing to breastfeed which was really inspiring. Also hold on to the vision of it being easy and natural because you will get there. I never believed it but by around 10 weeks I was totally at ease with it and being able to go out anywhere and everywhere and for however long without having to think about how and when to prep bottles has been amazing! I’m definitely a discreet feeder and I do feel self conscious but I’ve never had a negative comment or look from anyone and I’ve fed Ruben everywhere from the beach, at the zoo, countless cafes and car parks, in waiting rooms and on an aeroplane.
If I could plan out how I’d like our breastfeeding journey to end I think it’d be easier on us all if Ruben just weaned himself and I’m hopeful that when he starts going to nursery in the summer it’ll be then!
Ash the mum 